You know about Elon’s $44 billion deal to buy Twitter… and all the changes that he’s keen on making. Honestly, his insistence on the ‘edit’ button seems like a symbol for the bigger edits that he’s pushing for in the company - open source algorithms, free speech, bans on spam bots, and so much more.
So, we’ve been thinking - which other companies would the world’s richest memelord want to buy… and what changes would he make to them.
Coca-Cola - the original recipe
Elon seems fairly keen on getting back to the point when you could get more of a kick from Coa-cola on its’ own than you can get from downing a rum & coke today. He’s even joked about Coca-cola’s, “Real magic is only a sip away.”, slogan.
McDonalds - Fix the ice-cream machines
Would doing this be enough for Elon to count as one of the biggest philanthropists ever? Okay, maybe that’s a bit of a stretch (just maybe…. and just a bit), but we’ve all gone through the nightmare of heading to McDonalds, hoping to grab our hands on a McSwirl or a McFlurry, and boom…. the machine just ain’t working. This could totally make it on a ‘10 Most Frustrating Experiences Ever’ list, so if he does manage to make this happen, you can be sure that there’s going to be way more Elon Fanbois all over the world.
But even Elon accepts his limits here.
Lays - fill more chips than air
Do I even need to get into the details about this? At this point, the packets are pretty much 70% air, 30% chips. Consider this a petition for Memelord Superemo to flip the ratio.
United Airlines - install a guitar protection team
It’s been upwards of a decade since Dave Carroll and his band, Sons of Maxwell, uploaded their ‘United Breaks Guitars’ music video to complain about the atrocity the airline committed against Dave’s Taylor guitar, but the song (and the video, to be honest) is still fresh in our minds. If Elon buys the airline, I would not be surprised if adding a guitar protection detail to the payroll is the first thing he does.
Netflix - Add the missing Part 1s
How many times have you wanted to watch a movie and Netflix only has the sequel available? Now you don’t want to watch a pirated version, but you can’t even find a place to stream it from legally. The result? You’re stuck in limbo and you just won’t end up watching the movie at all.
Elon, it’s time to add the Part 1s to the Netflix library.
Nike - block reseller bots
If you’re anything remotely close to a sneakerhead, you know the pain of waiting for a Nike drop and banging your head against the wall 20 seconds after the launch because the reseller bots have already bought the entire stock to sell them at a 250% profit.
Since he’s already intent on banning the comment bots on Twitter, he could defintely find a way to defend Nike launches from the reseller bots as well. Maybe then we’ll finally be able to cop a new drop… we don’t all have $2015 to spare for a pair of Ben & Jerry’s Dunks.
Apple - bring back the earphone jack
Sure, Airpods might be cool, but some of us aren’t too keen on losing them thrice a week. Imagine using them during a workout session and dropping them while deadlifting heavy… you wouldn’t even feel as bad about injuring yourself as you would feel about damaging that overpriced earcandy. Elon, if you’re reading this, we’d really like the option to use our wired earphones again, thanks.
Spotify - cancel the passive aggressive ads
At this point, Spotify is literally guilt-tripping us into buying premium subscriptions… and that just makes me less likely to actually get one. The whole ‘annoy them into submission’ idea isn’t working, it’s just making me adamant on resisting and sticking with my free plan. Maybe Musk could use his wits to come up with a fun pitch that actually entices me.
Nokia - pivot from phones to protective gear
A substance capable of doing any real damage to an old school Nokia phone… I don’t think it exists yet. There are videos of a Nokia 3310 even holding its own against a Katana, so maybe the company was selling itself short by solely focusing on mobile phones. Maybe Elon should start making Nokia protective gear?
Ps. Do not take this one seriously. As strong as the Nokia 3310 is, a sniper rifle was able to literally blast it into oblivion.
UPS - provide every driver with Dogecoin-themed treats
UPS drivers and dogs have a special relationship. UPS even has an Instagram and Facebook page named UPS Dogs. If Elon does buy the company, it’d be really cool for him to add a bit of his own flair in a rather wholesome way by getting drivers to stock up with dogecoin-shaped treats. He could even emboss a UPS logo on the back of the treat to drum up some user-generated content across social media.
Walmart - give the yodeling kid a permanent gig
In 2018, a kid went viral for yodeling in Walmart. Since then, he’s released a few songs and even been a featured artist on a song by Lil Nas X, along with Billy Ray Cyrus, and Young Thug. As of Jan 2022, he was working at a local pizza and sub shop like a normal teen, so maybe Elon should just buy Walmart and offer him a permanent gig.
Starbucks - teach baristas to spell
Starbucks has tons of clout, but come on, has the company not been able to teach its baristas how to spell our names correctly? And I’m not even talking about complicated names where a mistake could be understandable. If someone’s name is Marc and they get a cup that reads ‘Mark’, it wouldn’t be surprising at all. But then there was that customer who said his name is ‘Marc’ with a ‘C’ and got a cup that read ‘Cark’.
Sure, maybe the conspiracy theories are true and management actually instructs the baristas to misspell the names so that people post their Starbucks cups on social media, but it’d still be really cool if Elon could just get them to spell our names right.
Got any more ideas for Elon? Tweet this article with your idea and he might just see it (and reply)!